This is gonna be a bit of a ramble but whatever, I may encourage you to also contribute your own "Year in review" below if you wish to (If no one else, certainly I'll read it
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Moving on into 2019 I think that it might be important to take look back on the year prior, 2018, to learn from. What use is experience if you don't learn from it? I thought about it a fair amount at the start of this year, talked to some people how they felt about it. It's important to figure out how to head forward in life, unless youre particularly spontaneous
The year 2018 started off like every other preceding it - watching the countdown and subsequent display of fireworks in my living room with my family. Though the first days of 2018 held in it little promise for the rest - a continuation of all those years prior - that was not the identity it would later carve in itself. The year I would complete my final high school (UK) examinations, the year I'd soon turn 16, the year that I told myself it'd all change. I sat there, January 1st, thinking of all the possibilities in which the coming times held for me. I was ambitious, confident in my ability to turn things around, that "this is the year", that perhaps I would fulfill some of those dreams from now over half a decade ago that I never hoped would take me that long to fulfill: Get the grades, get the girl, get the green (money, before thoughts wander elsewhere). "This year is the turnaround, I will have the power to make it so myself now!" Of course achieving all that in one year might be leaning closer to idealistic rather than realistic however I was keen on setting that high ambition - what other force may motivate me? However there was a large disconnect between that "me" I envisioned and that "me" I then was - lazy, coasting, and unsure was I normally. I wished for those things to go away and I kept wishing I could have the drive to make that a reality. Instead, after a brief high of motivation, there I coasted, held afloat by the dreaming the ideas of what I could be, with no attempts of getting there.
February comes, no progress. I was keen on getting to May and then June for the start and then end of my final exams, I just wanted high school to be over with and for the summer to kick in. For that I had much planned and I was desperate to get there; I certainly wasn't keen on staying in school doing work I hate for subjects I couldn't care less about. Though a natural high achiever, I settled for mediocre grades in those aforementioned subjects in the mock exams. I didn't revise. Why would I? The grades were good enough to get me to college (UK). I had a few good ones in the subjects I enjoyed and wanted to further pursue, what did it matter the rest were simply mediocre, for what relevance may they ever have for me down the line? I continued only existing, each day slowly becoming a blur as time sped up and nothing happened. Wake up, browse the internet, get ready, go to school, daydream about coming home and browsing the internet, go to break (and later lunch) and hang out with my friends and talk about whatever little there was to talk about, work more (daydreaming about coming home and browsing the internet), come home, browse the internet, on some days id talk to some friends at home and maybe play some games with them, then I'd go to sleep. Some say consistency is key in life and that I certainly had going for me. I didn't think much of it - I was certain I could change it over the summer and with the start of college in September.
The months go by, some point I turn 16, eventually May arrives. May 14th - the start of my exams. At this point I was weary. Weary of the 5 months of monotony, weary of school, weary of home. But now, it was only 1 month and 1 day exactly that I could finally kick into action those goals. As expected, no revision had been completed. I told myself that it wouldn't be that way, that I would study hard to at least ensure I'd get the top grades in those subjects I liked, that I would at least try to raise those other subjects so it would be something to be proud of. However, on May 14th, it was too late. The first exam was up, no revision. Less expected, it turned out alright. It was an exam in something I liked and I thought I did well in it. However, exams weren't really my focus funnily enough in the same time period that was the culmination of 12 years of work (or 3 from some perspectives
). What was on my mind was not a something, a someone. That person was someone I hadn't really spoke to in a long time. Throughout the entire equivalent of middle school, this someone held the title of my best friend. About that time 2 years ago I cast them out of my life for reasons I can't really remember. Occasionally we spoke, each time further away from the last and for even less duration. Eventually there came a rather large silence that spanned approximately a year. Eventually, around that crucial exam time, I realized that actually, I had no idea at all why I even disliked this person, and that, dare I say it, this person actually had a positive effect on my life? And so I decided that the first major positive change of 2018 would be the re-establishment of that someone into my life, officially. For some odd reason that I cant yet figure out, they said that at the start of exams was a bad time to talk about that kind of stuff (/s) but that they were ok with it too.
Exams came, and went. Each day I counted down closer until the end, and eventually, that moment came when the day was over and summer had begun. I thought that that was really the time I could start improving my life, that "this is the turning point, now!". Over that first half of the year I'd noticed I'd really gotten sick of how boring life was. I really wanted to do something, I didn't want to waste my youth. The days are limited, and I don't want to be sitting down in 15 years saying how I just sat around all day during my teens. Things had started to become apparent that if nothing changed, my future would be bland indeed, and words certainly worse than "bland". As my teens progressed, something was worsening. Something I didn't know the name of, and to this day I would be hesitant in using it. What prevented me from taking all these opportunities? What was that sudden uncontrollable halt that ceased my attempts to live those scenarios I dreamed of. Why was it whenever I decided to try something that the lead up to whatever thing it was got increasingly intolerable - racing heart, sweaty palms, strong urge to vomit without much reason to. I didn't have a name for this. I just said I was an introvert and that meeting people and going out and stuff was just not for me - except that's all I wanted! Perhaps that may be all I am after all, what those effects may be you can decide for yourself.
I wanted summer to change that. I made a large list of what I wanted from it, what I would do, what I would force myself to do regardless of whether I just wanted to laze around all day. It was long and ambitious but failing to meet all of those check-boxes was expected and I knew it'd be alright if I only did half of what's there. The first couple weeks were great - I was motivated and did a few things - they weren't exactly from the list but I really wanted to do them and it was still at least something. I didn't do a whole lot else though, I was contained inside for those two weeks but it didn't much bother me for I had little to even do outside anyway. Around a couple weeks in I had realized that I might have had a
small large crush on a girl who I was talking to for a month straight then. Perhaps this was it? Perhaps after all, it was going to be the turnaround year. If I just pulled through it and came out of my shell I could do it - there wasn't a more opportune time. For the first time that year, I was pretty happy with life in general. Contact was still sparse with that someone but meh who needed them when I couldn't stop talking to that girl. I won't go super in detail into all that guff since honestly it's probably just cringy and that's not where I want to delve with this despite the fact I've probably already gone there.
However, and that's a big however, things slowly started going back downhill from there. I was inspired by my chances of a new future and really opened up to that girl, thinking a less than casual position would be required. At the same time, I was a part of a discord with some other people my age who were in considerably worse positions than me. The similarity between those two sentences should come in now: at that point, conversations ended up becoming a little of "wah look how miserable things are atm" and uhh spoiler alert if you continuously talk about being miserable then that's kinda how you get miserable. That I figured out eventually as my productivity slowed to a halt and every day life became boring and dead. I realized that that has to stop and so I left that discord since it certainly wasn't doing me any favors and I distinctly remember feeling instantly that pressure has been relieved, I know I certainly won't miss having to help yet another depressed teen for the third time that day whilst simultaneously being completely uncared about in that server. I took a few other measures too, changing what type of music I listen to since that certainly didn't help either as much as I initially thought it did. Things weren't really getting anywhere as I (rightly so) believed that that girl wasn't particularly interested in any relationship with me. I decided that I should probably call it a loss there and ditch those prospects too. That proved harder than expected, especially when you spend 50%+ of your social time with that person. Things started working though, though my general quality of life wouldn't be highly rated by me then, it was certainly higher than 2-4 weeks prior (late July - mid August). Another attempt at establishing something concrete with that someone appeared to have worked too - I didnt really need to spend so much time with that girl now. Plus, the new WoW expansion came out which I played through with my usual friends (who I basically ignore and then get subsequently ignored by during the holidays since theyre not the type of people you can really talk forever with). Things weren't great, but perhaps the worst days of 2018 might have been over and done with, just in time for the start of college. I receive my results on August 23rd and somehow I ended up doing really well on, so I was proud but also vowed to not be that lazy come college because my sky high ambitions still soared - I would aim for the very best at college to get into the very best at uni.
The late part of summer saw another productivity rise as I finally worked on more projects but I was anticipating college so I could finally get out of the house and not be so socially isolated. Eventually it does come.
Yeah things did not start off on the right foot. I couldn't really shake those feelings and got some news regarding that that really shook me. I came to the conclusion that I really have to bail from that because at some point she's gonna go her own path and I was not prepared for that. On top of that, my friend group from high school had pretty much disbanded in physical form (we still play vidya together), leaving only me and one other to hang out with every day. There were a lot of new people too and I really had to make the best impressions so I could get some more friends. As a result of the combination of all of that it was pretty much every day during September that I got
that effect. Breakfast became a much scarcer meal for me due to the fact I just didn't feel like eating what with all the nervous anticipation of the day yet to come. Eventually though, through the force of constant exposure that effect subsided, if only a little, such that simply coming to college was not a mountain to climb every day.
October saw little change from September, I had set yet even more ambitious goals for me to fulfill in an attempt to still turn things around for me by the end of the year. On October 23rd, after a gut feeling hit me, I decided to completely stop talking to that girl for however long I felt like taking, such that I could eliminate that burden, but no instant effect was felt like leaving that discord. However with some time, I noticed that life got easier. I dropped some of my other ridiculous ambitions because they were simply putting too much pressure on myself. By mid-November, I was actually enjoying life again. Out of nowhere hit me with a physical illness that put me out of college for 2 weeks in which I had much time to reflect on the year, because soon enough it would come to an end. I think during those 2 weeks I had finally come to peace with where I was. I had most of the year to look back on at that point and to learn from. As it happens, "Get grades, Get girl, Get money" is the end result of underlying targets to meet instead. I decided that I should aim for those underlying changes, when I can, not forced arbitrary deadlines, and with that, concluded November.
December was a calm month, me waiting on the winter holidays - not because I had a huge list of ambitious goals to try to fulfill, but simply because I wanted a rest. Things felt different from before but only as the result of an alteration of a few minor things. Over the winter break I had even more time to reflect on 2018 and the direction I should take in the future as a result of everything this year.
December 31st, 2018: There I sit at the TV watching the countdown and subsequent fireworks display with my family. I watched the countdown go from 10, to 9, to 8, to 7, to 6, to 5, to 4, to 3, to 2, to 1, and sure enough 2019 was upon me. "This year is the year it'll all change, this year is the turnaround!" I exclaim to myself in my head. What was my plan? What great ambitions did I set myself moving forward, how would I turn it all around and when should I expect to have done this by? I didn't know. I didn't much think of that. All I knew about what to do in 2019 was to fix the foundations, and let everything else fall into place. I won't pressure myself into figuring out when to do it or the exact details because knowing that would be impossible. The only thing I'm to do is to simply take the opportunities I'm given. The journey of a thousand stairs begins with a single step (or something akin to that).
2019 has been kind so far. That someone finally came around and I trapped them in my net of "we're friends now and you're not going anywhere". Their time has been liberated due to important events, and I've tried to organise stuff so that we stay in touch. We now do our revision together, which is crazy to me because I'm actually doing revision for once - voluntarily! I'm eager to see where this year will go, what surprises it will have instore for me, and I hope that by the end of this year I will be looking back on it as a celebration of success rather than the usual, "taking notes of the failures" type deal it usually is. However, even though that optimistic vision sits there, I'm a realist at heart, and I know that 2019 has a lot up it's sleeve I will not be so keen to find out. But as for those, I suppose I'll just have to deal with those bridges when I get to it. This, here, now, is the base of a mountain and I would rather spend my first while getting all my equipment ready rather than to tackle the challenges head on.
I think I might always look back on 2018 as a year of growth and development. It wasn't at all smooth and was even kind of grim during the middle of it but I got through to the end in far better shape than I walked into it with. In a way, it feels like the "awkward teenage years" of my awkward teenage years, and hopefully in the not-too-distant future I can cast my vision to it and say "yeah... I was growing up alright". If 2018 was the year of learning, 2019 should be the year of application of that learnt prior. With this, I stay bright about the future, and I hope that (for the 0 people that have read all of this so far) that some of what I have spoken of just now my inspire that same hope in the future too. In many ways, I am the same as the person just walking into 2018 a year before me, but in a few ways I am different, and I believe those small ways are truly important.
As of typing this I've hit 3114 words and (now) 16465 characters. While I never intended it to be that long I certainly hope I've inspired others to do this kind of reflection - it can give you a lot in terms of how you want to change moving forward. Though yours doesn't need to be this long, I would be glad to read anyone else's "2018: A year in review"
Big shoutout to the 0 people that have read all of that, thank you and thank you to popedia for giving me a place to write too much information about a subject no one cares about
Edit: if anyone particularly likes the idea of a "Year in review" type deal I may be interested in doing it for other years of my life but of course considerably shorter given that they will be much less fresh in my memory haha
They're not helpful in the slightest, especially to people like myself who have only recently graduated high school and are still new to the workforce. I'm going to go off Youth Allowance in the next few days, so I thankfully won't have to deal with them anymore!
They're not helpful in the slightest, especially to people like myself who have only recently graduated high school and are still new to the workforce. I'm going to go off Youth Allowance in the next few days, so I thankfully won't have to deal with them anymore!
Felt like just the other day we were talking about going into 2018 on this forum. Scary that were now at the last year of the decade 
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). I hope you don't mind, but I've merged the post with an existing "2018 in review" thread (I can revert it back as a separate thread if that's what you would prefer). I just didn't want the post to go potentially unnoticed. 
In case you're interested, I've created ones for 
